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13:03:14 |
Webmama_Tina |
today we are so very pleased to have dr
larry cohen with us again!!! |
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13:03:18 |
Webmama_Tina |
always a pleasure, dr! |
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13:03:31 |
Webmama_Tina |
why don't you introduce yourself and
tell us your area of expertise and
background |
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13:03:44 |
Webmama_Tina |
in case there's someone here that is
*gasp* unfamiliar with your work |
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13:03:46 |
Webmama_Tina |
;) |
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13:03:55 |
Larry_Cohen |
Thanks Tina,and welcome everyone. I am
a psychologist specializing in childrne
and children's play, |
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13:04:06 |
net |
? |
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13:04:11 |
Larry_Cohen |
and the author of the book Playful
Parenting. You can learn much more at
playfulparenting.com, and |
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13:04:23 |
Webmama_Tina |
and mamas, you go ahead and throw out a
question mark to get in line for asking
the dr a question and angie will let you
know when its your turn |
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13:04:34 |
Larry_Cohen |
you can subscribe to the free playful
parenting e-newsletter by sending me an
email at subscribe@playfulparenting.com |
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13:04:41 |
Larry_Cohen |
ready for the first question. |
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13:04:49 |
Jenn4262 |
? |
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13:04:55 |
Webmama_Tina |
net, it looks like you're first! |
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13:05:15 |
MOD_Angie |
upcoming chatter(s): net Jenn4262 |
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13:05:21 |
net |
my son 5 does not like to play with toys
very much he is more interested in
inmagantive things like sticks lol or
what evey amuses him is this okay? |
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13:05:25 |
Webmama_Tina |
? |
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13:05:40 |
lstroyan |
? |
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13:06:10 |
Larry_Cohen |
Absolutely OK. My rule about toys is
that they need to be more intersting
than the box they came in, and i guess i
would ad, they have to be more
interesting than sticks or rocks. enjoy
it with him! next Q |
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13:06:42 |
spirit4ever |
? |
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13:06:47 |
Webmama_Tina |
jenn, you're up! |
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13:06:58 |
MOD_Angie |
upcoming chatter(s): Jenn4262,
Webmama_Tina, lstroyan, spirit4ever |
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13:07:00 |
Jenn4262 |
My six year old is very domineering when
playing with other children; he always
has to be the boss, and if he isn't, he
will just play by himself. He is also
like this when playing with me. |
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13:07:35 |
Jenn4262 |
How do I make him share, take turns,
etc? I swear I'm a good example for
him! |
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13:07:41 |
debrown |
? |
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13:07:51 |
Larry_Cohen |
I would do two things--one is give him
lots of opportunities to boss you
around, and really ham it up, beg and
plead to not be bossed, but end up doing
it at the end. |
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13:08:31 |
Larry_Cohen |
the second thing is to tell him, during
playtime, that you want to give him a
hand with his need to be in charge so
much. you are going to give him a hand
by playing games with him that give him
a chance to be boss, and also by pushing
him a little bit-- |
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13:09:05 |
Larry_Cohen |
when you push him, you may get giggles
or you may get tears and tantrums,
either way he is working through that
stuck" place. what doesn't work, as you
have learned, is lectures!" |
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13:09:45 |
Larry_Cohen |
children have a need for closeness and a
need for control, and sometime one of
these needs dominates for a while. it's
good to help him see that he has both
these needs, and sometimes they
interfere with each other. |
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13:09:52 |
Larry_Cohen |
next Q if that answers you... |
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13:10:00 |
Jenn4262 |
Yes, thank you |
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13:10:14 |
MOD_Angie |
upcoming chatter(s): Webmama_Tina,
lstroyan, spirit4ever, debrown, |
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13:10:34 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok lets see...i'm full of questions for
ya, but here's one.... |
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13:10:42 |
Webmama_Tina |
how do you playfully get children to
help clean up? |
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13:10:49 |
Webmama_Tina |
i'm sure you get this one all the time
;) |
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13:11:19 |
Larry_Cohen |
The first thing is to recognize that
often it is us grown ups who make a
clear distinction between fun time and
clean up time, and then we communicate
this to our children-- |
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13:11:31 |
Larry_Cohen |
they pick up our dread of cleaning, and
replay that back at us. |
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13:11:56 |
Larry_Cohen |
if we start fresh, and treat it as just
as potentially fun as play, or just as
big an opportunity for connection, it
goes better... |
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13:12:41 |
Larry_Cohen |
for example, i don't mean making all
clean up a game, i mean an attitude of
let's do this together, we can make it
fun if you want, we can do it real fast
if you want. in addition, we have to
recognize that there is no inherent
natural reason... |
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13:13:13 |
Larry_Cohen |
why they should care about cleanliness
as much as we do. look deeper into
their needs--maybe they'd like to keep
toys out longer, and not have them
disappear and have to start over. |
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13:13:28 |
Larry_Cohen |
does that help or do you want to be more
specific about where it's tricky? |
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13:13:43 |
Webmama_Tina |
specific examples of playful things to
say/do would be great |
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13:14:03 |
Webmama_Tina |
she really responds well to playful
parenting...but i have a hard time
getting creative with it sometimes |
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13:14:08 |
Webmama_Tina |
i like your games :) |
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13:15:19 |
Larry_Cohen |
well, you can make it a race, you can
pick up stuffed animals and have them
say you can't clean up, you don't even
know what goes in the trash!" and the
child will prove the animal wrong. you
can close your eyes and bumble through
clean up, letting child lead you and
help you. you can act like the "happy
dense person" and not know where
anything goes, or how to carry it, and
they have to help you. how are those
for a start??" |
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13:15:52 |
Webmama_Tina |
those are great! thankyou!!! |
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13:15:53 |
Larry_Cohen |
you can also ham up being exasperated,
in a funny way |
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13:16:19 |
Larry_Cohen |
next |
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13:16:22 |
MOD_Angie |
upcoming chatter(s): lstroyan,
spirit4ever, debrown |
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13:16:48 |
lstroyan |
I tried to paste but it didn't work... |
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13:17:01 |
MOD_Angie |
CTRL & V works |
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13:17:35 |
lstroyan |
Sorry, I'll retype..... |
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13:17:40 |
MOD_Angie |
ok |
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13:18:30 |
lstroyan |
I have a 9yo son that struggles with
depression and anger...most of our PP
games are out of date. I'm looking for
ways to both get cooperation and help
his moodiness, which doesn't seem to be
related to any specific" lack of self
esteem. If you have gen" |
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13:18:44 |
lstroyan |
general ideas, he's good at turning them
into specifics. Thanks! |
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13:19:11 |
lstroyan |
(I tried to paste too much at once :) |
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13:19:30 |
Larry_Cohen |
This age child, especially boys,
struggling with anger nad depression,
need lots of wrestling time, i've
found. they also need to be sure to no
hurt anyone, and of course to not get
hurt themselves... |
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13:20:22 |
Larry_Cohen |
you can see larry's rules of wrestling
on my website, but mainly, set up the
groundrules first, and follow his lead
whether he wants to wrestle gently or
all out." it may need that he needs two
adults to be able to feel safe enough to
fight all out with no one getting
hurt..." |
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13:21:07 |
Webmama_Tina |
Welcome to this week's Mothering
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Instructions before participating in
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the queue. Have your question ready when
your name is called." |
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13:21:46 |
Larry_Cohen |
this type of fighting is safe and helps
release feelings that are hard to get
out any other way. it doesn't have to
be intense, though, some giggly
wrestling games work well too, like the
sock game (everyone tries to keep own
socks on and take other people's off.
if he likes to draw, using that to give
him a creative/emotional outlet is good
too. ... |
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13:22:53 |
Larry_Cohen |
the other thing good with this age boy
is lots of playful physical contact,
fall over on top of him,. lay on top of
him, sit on him, all playfully and in a
fun spirit. make a deep connection
first before asking him to do something
you want him to do, and physcial contact
and eye contact are key. as someone
says, i forgot who, connection before
direction"" |
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13:23:23 |
Larry_Cohen |
oh yeah, it is in a great book called
hold on to your kids, the chapter on
natural discipline is outstanding.
good luck! |
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13:23:31 |
lstroyan |
Thanks! |
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13:23:33 |
Larry_Cohen |
next q or specific follow up? |
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13:23:33 |
MOD_Angie |
upcoming chatter(s): spirit4ever,
debrown |
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13:23:37 |
Webmama_Tina |
? |
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13:24:19 |
minicooper |
? |
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13:24:41 |
lcmidwife |
? |
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13:24:42 |
Larry_Cohen |
on the subject of wrestling, make sure
to stop frequently, i like to use a code
word like banana that means stop. this
helps it from escalating out of control. |
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13:24:50 |
Webmama_Tina |
spirit4ever, you're up! |
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13:24:57 |
spirit4ever |
My 3 (almost 4!!) year old loves to turn
everything into guns, wooden blocks,
tools, even his little people. Do I just
let him pretend to shoot things and run
around catching bad guys? how do I play
this w/ him... I have a very hard time
playing in general |
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13:25:38 |
Larry_Cohen |
this is hard, as i am sure many moms
will agree. it is normal, and nearly
universal, and i think pretend guns are
ok, but realistic looking toy guns are
not ok... |
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13:25:50 |
Larry_Cohen |
i think you need to join in the play
with him, even though that is hard... |
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13:26:11 |
Larry_Cohen |
you can say oh you got me" and fall
over, ham it up, or you can grab one of
the action figures and say "oh frank," |
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13:26:32 |
Larry_Cohen |
you were my best buddy, we've been
through so many battles together, now
your head fell off, we have to get you
to the medics..."
02/15/06" |
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13:27:17 |
Larry_Cohen |
this way, you have introducd themes of
friendship, loyalty, rescue, help in to
the play, it isn't just about aggression
anymore, and that helps a lot. also,
when you fall over dead, fall on top of
him (see earlier remarks on increasing
physical contact). |
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13:27:19 |
Larry_Cohen |
next q |
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13:27:24 |
debrown |
Thank for you input into keeping my
son's relationship with me from becoming
contentious sometimes. Current issue
we're dealing with: My 4 1/2 year old
will get his mind stuck on something and
just keep repearing it (I want to... I
want to...) |
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13:27:24 |
MOD_Angie |
upcoming chatter(s): debrown,
Webmama_Tina, minicooper, lcmidwife |
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13:27:27 |
spirit4ever |
I also get somewhat embarrassed when he
plays this outside of the house |
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13:27:31 |
debrown |
Sometimes we say OK, we'll do it when we
get home or It's not possible to do
right now, maybe tonight," but that
doesn't stop the verbal barrage." |
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13:27:42 |
debrown |
Sometimes, of course, it's something we
can't do and he won't accept the No and
why not and perhaps an alternative
related suggestion" for an answer." |
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13:27:51 |
debrown |
When it's a ridiculous request, it's
easy to say OK, how could we do that
now?" and end up in giggles." |
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13:28:00 |
debrown |
When it's something doable that we can't
do, like I want a lollipop" when we
don't have any lollipops or he's had
enough, we get stuck. Any suggestions
to make this a fun time and not an
annoying, frustrating time?" |
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13:28:29 |
lstroyan |
? |
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13:29:08 |
Larry_Cohen |
first to follow up on embarrassing play
outside house--welcome to the club! i
think just a shrug and a smile is
enough, most parents understand. you
can also say, but only if its true, i
don't think trudy likes that game as
much as you do." (if you are making
this up, it backfires, though, so be
careful)" |
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13:29:15 |
debrown |
(Sorry to interrupt spirit4ever. Also,
thought I had chosen a different color
for my input, but obviously I forgot to
apply" it)" |
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13:29:23 |
Larry_Cohen |
now about debrown's question: |
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13:30:28 |
Larry_Cohen |
those authors of hold on to your kids,
neufeld ad mate, have a great phrase in
this situation. they say you have to be
the wall of futility" to help them
realize the reality (when it is indeed a
reality, like the store is closed or
your sister isn't ready to give you a
turn yet or i am not changing my
mind(..." |
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13:30:56 |
Larry_Cohen |
and you also have to be the angel of
comfort, to help them melt into tears
instead of staying stuck in resisting
the reality... |
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13:31:03 |
spirit4ever |
? |
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13:31:16 |
Larry_Cohen |
the tricky situation is when we could
answer yes or no, but we don't want to
say yes just because it's easier and
quieter.. |
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13:31:54 |
Larry_Cohen |
in that case, it helps to thoughtfully
decide beforehand as much as possible
about your yesses and no's. it is also
ok to say, i didn't realize how much
this meant to you, i am willing to
reconsider.".." |
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13:32:47 |
debrown |
So how do I convey those
recommendations? Even when I stay
perfectly calm for a definite, No," it
doesn't seem to help. Also, we are
pretty permissive in letting them try
whatever is possible, as long as it's
safe. We do admit when we're wrong,
too," |
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13:32:49 |
Larry_Cohen |
but sometimes, this is just kids' ways
of geting out the tears of frustration
that they store up. so it's also ok to
say, softly and gently, i am going to
say no to this, i know it is hard, i'll
be glad to hold you, i think this is a
chance to let out a whole load of
frustration that's been building up... |
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13:33:46 |
Larry_Cohen |
ok, so to move the situation from an
angry pleading or outrage to those tears
of release, we often need to move in
physcially closer, to interpret that
it's hard for them to let go of the
hoping and wishing... |
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13:34:08 |
Larry_Cohen |
one more tecnique, in families where no
is relatively rare (which is good, i
think, but has side effects...) |
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13:34:44 |
debrown |
Ah, we should emphasize that we Agree
with him that it's hard, but the answers
still No... That might help a bit. I
keep forgetting that it's not always
about the actual item that's the
problem, but a release for something
else. |
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13:35:02 |
Larry_Cohen |
is to set upa time during playtime to
play with no, limits, rules, to say no
touching this pillow" and then play a
silly game, to make up a silly response
if he touches the pillow and then do it
in a fun way. that loosens things up a
lot, because in these families, no comes
rarely but with lots of emotion." |
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13:35:05 |
ElijahsMommy |
? |
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13:35:27 |
Larry_Cohen |
yes, it is often about something else,
but you can't convince them of that in
the moment, you just have to remember
it. |
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13:36:15 |
debrown |
