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13:13:57 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok, today we are so pleased to have
miriam peskowitz with us! |
|
13:14:18 |
Webmama_Tina |
why don't you introduce yourself miriam
and tell us a little about your
background and expertise! |
|
13:14:35 |
Webmama_Tina |
more mamas will straggle in as time goes
on...so don't mind me as i post welcomes
for them. :) |
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13:14:54 |
Webmama_Tina |
when you're done with your intro, miriam,
just let me know that you are ready to
start taking questions... |
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13:15:28 |
Webmama_Tina |
and mamas...go ahead and post a single
question mark if you would like to have
a chance to talk to miriam. i'll let ya
know when its your turn. :) |
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13:16:32 |
net |
I have to go now bye |
|
13:16:59 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Well, I'm Miriam Peskowitz, and I have a
second grader, and a five-week old. Last
year I published the book The Truth
Behind the Mommy Wars, with Seal Press,
because I was angry at how limiting the
work and family options are for moms. i
wanted to be with my child, and not
entirely give up my then-career as a
professor, and that left me in the odd
world of part time work. What I learned
through writing the book was the huge
amount of moms who are working part
time, and how all of us are much more
interested in getting more support for
our lives than in doing vicious
mommy-wars stuff to other moms. Well,
that's a start |
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13:17:58 |
Webmama_Tina |
:) |
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13:19:30 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Okay, I'll keep writing. As I listened
to other moms at the playground, and
heard their stories, I was convinced
that most of what we hear about
mothering in the media has little to do
with our lives. It turns out that over
39 percent of moms work part time, and
still, much of what we hear about just
pits fulltime working moms against stay
at home moms. |
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13:19:39 |
Webmama_Tina |
mamas, if you have a question for miriam,
just post a single question mark and
i'll tell you when to go |
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13:21:31 |
Webmama_Tina |
are you still typing miriam or are you
ready for questions? |
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13:21:36 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
I'm ready |
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13:21:46 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh woops i missed your last post, ok! |
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13:22:19 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok i'll start....so what IS, the truth"
in regards to the mommy wars? that's
such an intriguing title. :)" |
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13:23:50 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Well, one truth is this. Mommy Wars"
always divides moms into two groups,
working and at-home. One truth is that
nearly 40 percent of moms work part
time, in order to balance work and home.
And most of these moms are earning much
lower wages than they deserve in order
to have a sane life. That's unfair." |
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13:24:40 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Another truth is that most moms are mad,
but at a vague system, but sometimes
take out their anger at other moms. |
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13:26:53 |
Webmama_Tina |
so what do you think the solution is? |
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13:26:58 |
Webmama_Tina |
or solutionS |
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13:27:35 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
There are lots of solutions, starting
with mothers learning to support each
other, and offering each other kindness.
That's first, and easiest. |
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13:30:21 |
ourwiefamily |
? |
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13:30:22 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Then, there are more social and
political solutions,beginning with
telling our stories. Most mothers' lives
are absent in our political debates. We
need to tell our stories as moms and
talk about how we work, and what we
need, whether it's better daycare to
support moms who work fulltime, or
decent wages for moms who work part
time, or more respect and options for
moms at home. Moms at home need social
security credits for their work, at the
very least, and they need more
understanding. Moms at home who want to
get back into the work place at some
point want and need better on ramps. it
turns out that most moms move in and out
of the workplace, they carousel, and we
all need more support as our family's
needs change. |
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13:31:42 |
Webmama_Tina |
go for it karla... |
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13:32:03 |
ourwiefamily |
In my 14y as a mom, I have seen the
divide not only between working and
sahm, but also between formula feeding
and breastfeeding, homeschooling and
schooling (and a further divide there
between private and public schoolers)
... have you also seen this? |
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13:32:31 |
ourwiefamily |
& Why do you think we are so quick to
divide down lines like that, almost
looking for differences to measure
ourselves and them by and find others
(or ourselves) wanting instead of
building community? |
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13:32:43 |
Webmama_Tina |
that's the truth...we fight on every
subject, don't we? |
|
13:32:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
:( |
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13:33:24 |
Webmama_Tina |
Welcome to this week's Mothering
Sponsored chat! This is a moderated
chat. Please make sure you read and
fully understand the Moderated Chat
Instructions before participating in
this chat. Instructions can be found
here:
http://www.mommychats.com/modrules.htm
...A Friendly Reminder: Please do not
post unless it is your turn to ask a
question. If you have a question, please
post a single ?" and you'll be added to
the queue. Have your question ready when
your name is called." |
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13:35:03 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Totally. It seems there's always a new
way for moms to divide against each
other, and I've seen it get very petty
(I'm sure we all have). We can be so
short sighted. I think it's easier to
stay in our comfort zones, to not
challenge ourselves. My daughter attends
Quaker school, for example, but I've
learned much from homeschooling
families, and they've challenged me to
think about family time, and all sorts
of expectations about kids and success.
We need to learn to accept differences
between mothers. I think we get scared,
it's hard to know if we're always doing
right by our kids, and of course, there
are no guarantees. |
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13:35:29 |
cynthiam |
? |
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13:35:32 |
Webmama_Tina |
upcoming chatters: cynthiam |
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13:35:44 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
That's part of why these differences
harden and prevent friendship and
community; we feel better surrounded by
others who are very much life us. |
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13:36:15 |
APMom98 |
? |
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13:36:24 |
Webmama_Tina |
upcoming chatters: cynthiam APMom98 |
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13:37:07 |
Webmama_Tina |
miriam, when you're done answering a
question, just let me know you're ready
for another. :) |
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13:37:36 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
I'm done--unless the last questioner has
a response |
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13:37:49 |
ourwiefamily |
actually ... i do if I could |
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13:38:00 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
please |
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13:38:32 |
Webmama_Tina |
go for it :) |
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13:38:38 |
ourwiefamily |
I agree with what you said ... I have
seen a further thing w/ this. I'm a
homeschooling mom and just a normal
ordinary imperfect person. When other
moms hear I homeschool, they draw back
from me, almost in awe or in fear and
assume a lot of things that |
|
13:38:54 |
ourwiefamily |
arent' true ... thinking I must be so"
... patient, organized, smart, etc etc
etc" |
|
13:39:30 |
ourwiefamily |
I find I have to spend a lot of time
reassuring them I don't think they are
less" than me, that I recognize that
many of them have talents that are
stronger than mine in this area or
that." |
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13:40:01 |
ourwiefamily |
I think that part of it is that many of
us hold in our heads what we think is
the" definition of what a good parent is
... and none of us want to measure up
short." |
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13:40:54 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Yes--I've seen versions of this, moms
feeling nervous that someone else might
be better." I wish we could all feel
confident in our imperfections! There
are so many ways to raise a family, so
many ways to be a good mom. Seems like
many of us are caught in a trap of
thinking there's only one way (and of
course, that we haven't found it. I
agree with you." |
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13:40:57 |
ourwiefamily |
I try to emphasize that we all struggle,
we all suffer, we all have triumphs,
none of us are perfect ... and we need
each other so much, to build our
community. Shrug ... just my
observation ... back to you. :) |
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13:41:24 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Thanks for your comments, tina back to
you :) |
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13:41:27 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok cynthia's up! :) |
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13:41:31 |
cynthiam |
Hi Miriam! Thanks so much for sharing
some of your valuable time with us
today! On our very active discussion
forums at Mothering we often see
mommywar-type discussions where mothers
debate SAHM versues WOHM. |
|
13:41:48 |
cynthiam |
SAHMs feel a mom must be home with her
children... |
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13:42:34 |
cynthiam |
WOHMs feel they can be equally attached
mothers and work out of their home,.
leaving their children in care... |
|
13:43:03 |
cynthiam |
Such discussions almost always creat
chaos in the forums. Any words of
wisdom? |
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13:44:02 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
I know, I know. Well, when I meet with
live" groups of moms, I always suggest
that they ask a mom doing something
different out for coffee, or a drink,
sometime, and ask about her life." |
|
13:44:58 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Then, I suggest that each of us take a
deep breath and admit the parts of our
lives we can't stand, there must be
some. I'm at home, and I work from home
as a writer, and some days I can't stand
it, and I want more than anything to get
up and go to an office with other
adults. |
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13:45:02 |
cynthiam |
Does it work? |
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13:45:47 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Often--because it gets us out of
thinking that our" way is the best and
only way. When we can be more
vulnerable, we can get closer to
understanding what other moms are
feeling." |
|
13:46:18 |
cynthiam |
I mean, does it help understanding? Very
seldom do such discussions accomplish
much in the forums though some do try to
help others see that no one way is THE
right way for everyone. |
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13:46:34 |
cynthiam |
That last response of mine was
delayed... |
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13:47:08 |
Webmama_Tina |
upcoming chatters: APMom98 |
|
13:47:35 |
cynthiam |
We often have studies debated, like the
things in Daycare Deception. Thoughts on
that? |
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13:47:58 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Besides, what I've learned is that
beneath the hype, there are at -home
moms who are there because they had no
flexibility at work, and they're
frustrated at that. And there are
fulltime working moms who would like to
work less. I suggest remembering that
not all moms have all the choices they
want. Most moms tell me that they would
like a combination of both, to work
some, to parent, at different times. By
recalling that we all don't have all the
choices we want, we can be more
understanding--oky, there's a lag here.
More on studies in a minute. |
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13:48:55 |
cynthiam |
The studies are always difficult to
discuss... |
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13:49:11 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
There's always a new study out there,
either saying that daycare is good or
day care is bad. It's very politicized.
What I know is that our country has
never invested in quality daycare, so we
don't give all families good choices.
I'm very skeptical of the studies, no
matter which way they turn. |
|
13:49:37 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
done |
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13:49:39 |
cynthiam |
Good point. |
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13:49:44 |
cynthiam |
Thanks Miriam! |
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13:49:51 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Thanks Cynthai |
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13:49:57 |
cynthiam |
I'm done too. :) |
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13:50:21 |
Webmama_Tina |
APMom98, you're up! |
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13:50:22 |
APMom98 |
Between my siblings and I, there is such
a huge divide in parenting styles. How
can I defend my rights to parent as I
see fit, without seeming to challenge
their choices? My sister spanks, so I
excuse myself. I can't bear to watch. |
|
13:50:35 |
APMom98 |
But she sees this at disrespectful of
her parenting style. |
|
13:50:48 |
APMom98 |
We are going on a family vacation this
summer, and needless to say, I'm quite
nervous |
|
13:50:57 |
APMom98 |
I don't want to expose my children to
things we don't agree with |
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13:51:12 |
APMom98 |
but I don't want to completely disregard
my sister's feelings. |
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13:51:48 |
APMom98 |
Does that make any sense? |
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13:52:36 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Totally, and honestly, I find myself
stumped by spanking and other violence.
My daughter came home from a playdate
last weekend and had seen a brother hit
his sister, and was very upset. |
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13:53:38 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Is there a way to talk this out with
your sister; if she has to hit her
children, can she at least do it behind
closed doors? It seems so cavalier to
write this out, but I know that some
people really believe in hitting
children. I don't. |
|
13:54:08 |
APMom98 |
I know. And she doesn't understand that
how deeply I feel sickened by her
spanking them |
|
13:54:20 |
APMom98 |
It makes me sick. Truly |
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13:54:26 |
APMom98 |
so I don't want my children to see it. |
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13:54:48 |
Webmama_Tina |
here here! |
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13:55:00 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
I have had sympathy for parents I know
who accidentally" hit, who just lose it.
I know I've been at that line, many of
us have, and I can understand that some
people lose their temper. But I've never
understood people who spank and hit on
purpose. That kind of violence is the
limit of my tolerance." |
|
13:55:18 |
APMom98 |
She might be more receptive if I asked
her privately instead of just getting up
and leaving the room, which at the time
I thought was appropraite |
|
13:55:33 |
APMom98 |
She approached me later and challenged
my desire not to see that |
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13:55:40 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Maybe you can talk about it ahead of
time, and tell her how much it upsets
your kids. |
|
13:56:03 |
APMom98 |
I will try that. Thanks for the
insight. I'm really nervous about this. |
|
13:56:20 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Good luck. |
|
13:56:44 |
APMom98 |
Thank you. |
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13:56:44 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
done |
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13:57:12 |
Webmama_Tina |
anymore questions? we have 3 min left |
|
13:57:13 |
Webmama_Tina |
:) |
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13:57:16 |
Webmama_Tina |
last chance mamas! |
|
13:59:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
sorry, i have ababy eating my
face..ROFL |
|
13:59:56 |
Webmama_Tina |
and grabbing hunks of my hair, lol |
|
14:00:06 |
Webmama_Tina |
well my clock says its time! |
|
14:00:14 |
Webmama_Tina |
this was agreat topic!' |
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14:00:15 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
I'll put in one last thing: I write
regularly at my blog:
www.playgroundrevolution.com , and
at
www.hylands.com/forums/ . You can
also check out
www.Mothertalk.blogspot.com , to
learn about MotherTalk, the sessions
that author Andi Buchanan and I organize
to get moms together talking. |
|
14:00:21 |
Webmama_Tina |
miriam, thankyou SOOO much for joining
us! |
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14:00:27 |
Webmama_Tina |
great! thanks! |
|
14:00:38 |
Webmama_Tina |
miriam, do you have chats on your
forums? |
|
14:00:43 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
thanks, Tina, and everyone. My baby just
started to cry--she's been great in her
sling |
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14:00:50 |
Webmama_Tina |
i like to hook up with forums and
provide chats for them |
|
14:01:02 |
Webmama_Tina |
if interested |
|
14:01:06 |
MiriamPeskowitz |
Tina, I don't, I'm just learning about
chats--let's keep in touch about this |
|
14:01:18 |
Webmama_Tina |
yes, if you're interested, that would be
great!! |
|
14:01:33 |
Webmama_Tina |
i'll email you about it! my baby just
got cranky too. gotta git |
|
14:01:35 |
Webmama_Tina |
thanks mamas! |
